maybe it’s because i’ve been in a really fucked up place emotionally for the last couple of weeks but right noq i’m about to start crying over the office and i missed most of grey’s but i wanted to cry watching that and I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS LATELY.
I will never, never, forgive Lauren Zizes for that. I know the feeling of being laughed at as you run down a hallway trying to get away or stop something and you know what. It fucking sucks. My situation was not like Quinn’s situation but still. Lauren Zizes is officially dead to me. That was cruel and that was disgusting. There is no justification for that and frankly if we were meant to laugh it didn’t work.
i hate everything you’re doing with quinn fabray. i loved her last season. i loved HBIC quinn, i loved mamabear preggo quinn. i loved that she had meaning, she had a purpose besides being the hot blonde bitch that everyone wanted to look like. she had depth and complexities and she could have been one of the great characters of high school dramadey.
now you’re giving her the backstory of being the ugly, friendless chick. having been there, rocked that, i can’t help but feel insulted. making her the ugly girl turned pretty doesn’t add anything to her. it actually takes away a lot of that depth she had. and if you’re going to have an episode about insecurities…this girl had a BABY at SIXTEEN. i know in the glee world all of these huge life changes can be forgotten like that, such as rachel’s mama drama, but if you’re sixteen years old you’re not just going to remember that baby when you’re thinking about having sex with your new boyfriend. you’re going to remember that baby every single day for the rest of your life, especially if you seriously considered keeping that baby before giving it up. will you remember being friendless and alone? of course. but by adding this backstory to an already complex character, you are destroying her. i’m disappointed. i’m pissed.
i’m not going into full detail but it’s been a hellish week or so. back in january i was diagnosed with severe anxiety and mild depression. lately i feel like the two have swapped because the anxiety is (mostly) under control but the depression has been spiraling out of control for months. last week i hit breaking point. there was an issue with my taxes and i’m losing my best friend and i’m drowning in schoolwork and everything that can be falling apart is falling apart. friday i spent an hour on the phone with various government agencies. i went to dunks with him between phone calls and he kept doing this whole “poor pitiful me” thing about his life since my issues are nothing if i’m on the phone with the government. after we got our coffee i went to the kc drivethru next door and got two pieces of pie. i dropped one piece of pie on the ground several times so i couldn’t eat it. the other slice of pie…after being told that my tax issue was essentially my own fault by my father, i wound up outside on a bench bawling my eyes out to a friend and i threw the pie at a bush. then my friends were all fighting with each other and the one that keeps entering my room really early in the morning started hugging me and touching me and being a drunk idiot. this is while i’m clutching a bottle of rum for dear life. the night got better once i started spending time with my friends with the station, around midnight i guess. i went out with them again saturday night, and i wound up bringing a friend of a friend (not the station guys) back to my place. i thought he was just going to be crashing on my common room’s couch, but he had other ideas. i called him to get me out of this situation, he told me to go for it. keep this in mind. so i made out with the guy, nothing more. sunday i went to target with him and he proceeded to make me feel like absolute SHIT for hooking up with this guy. i wasn’t sure if i regretted it or not at that point, but he made me regret it. i was having mixed feelings because the only thing the guy could say about me was that i was cute but i can’t remember the last time i felt worse than that car ride. so i got back into my room and cried. he took his cd back, too. so i’m no longer in possession of that message cd. tuesday night one of the guys from the station was celebrating his twenty-first and i got invited over and he called me saying he was at my place and i should go outside. i told him i was at a friend’s place and i would call him later. my friend starts doing his birthday shots, he calls me again and tells me to go outside because he’s standing outside my friend’s apartment. i tell him again i’ll call him later. about half an hour later i leave and call him back. he proceeds to blow me off because i blew him off for my friends. he’s been blowing me off for two weeks. we’re not even friends anymore, he’s a complete stranger. so i lost my best friend. i’ll be fine, i just need space. so i’ve been avoiding tumblr, facebook, my phone, real people…if i’m absentee for a couple of days, i’m sorry. i just need space.
1. Transfer to Kent State University. 2. Don’t get shot by the National Guard. 3. ??????? 4. PROFIT!!!
no need for the national guard…yet. my mom sent me a box filled with bags of cadbury eggs so they’re helping a little bit…i almost cried when i opened it. i think he knows i’m pissed because last night he texted me asking if i wanted to grab coffee and i was pretty bitchy, then he asked if i wanted to go on an early morning dunks run so i got bitchier. neither actually happened. i went to the basketball court for an hour last night and just yelled and threw the ball. i know i’m definitely drinking tomorrow, probably tonight too. profiting might not happen but i’ll work on it…
i need to get away from here. the only thing is, i have nowhere to go. i can’t go home. i can’t really visit my friends in albany since we haven’t really talked lately. i feel like i’m losing my mind. i can’t remember the last time i was this angry at everything. it’s not even him. it’s literally every single little miniscule thing about my life.
if i had any alcohol, or a way to get it right now, i would either be downing it straight or pouring it into the coolata right now. but i don’t. so i get to wait till the weekend. i don’t even drink during the week but i feel like…i’m just so angry right now. not just at him. at everything.
*SUPER MASSIVE HUG* I’m so sorry. You’re fucking fabulous. The best revenge is to find someone better, and I’m sure you will. Now go light something on fire. That always works to improve the spirits, right?
right now i’m drinking a coolata and watching american idol. idol is not helping. but i was gonna go throw my basketball around and find something to light on fire after this and before i write my american idol article. as for looking for someone else…i’ve been trying to do that all semester with no luck. and you are wonderful and full of BAMFness and fabulous.
maybe this is because of last night and because i think i’m losing one of my best friends because he and i haven’t talked, like actually talked, for about a week but everything, and i mean everything, has been pissing me off today. go to class? everyone’s pissing me off. my across campus walk in ten minutes to my second class? it was raining. i stepped in a puddle. wearing flip flops. i got pissed off. went to tv station…the guys made me laugh so i was slightly less pissed off. now i’m watching american idol and screaming at my television. this is not the show i fell in love with. plus my IDIOT partner wants to do our music video project on an instrumental song. THAT SHIT DON’T FUCKING WORK. i know i’m gonna wind up editing it, which really fucking sucks since i have papers due the same fucking days as this project, but i need lyrics for a music video. it makes it so much easier to edit. and he’s so fucking pigheaded he won’t fucking budge. now i’m gonna take out my frustration on ice cream, writing and this coolata i’m drinking.
and this is a big FUCK YOU post to you. HIM, if you will.
it doesn’t matter that you like her. i mean, it does, but it’s not like we’re together. it’s not like we’re anything, really.
except we are. aren’t we? or do you just do this with everyone? sleepovers and six AM coffee runs and late night adventures in massachusetts? what about those talks we had? i told you stuff i’ve never been able to tell anyone. i confided in you. do you know how much that took for me to do? to open up like that? what about that dinner? do you tell every girl you want to buy them dinner at some swanky place you only ever take your mom to? do you ask all of your friends to go to dinner at arguably one of the nicest restaurants around our section of the boondocks? and those cds…oh those cds…
friends burn friends cds, yes. but not these cds. not cds with “somebody like you” and “stupid boy” on constant rotation. not cds littered with meanings so thinly veiled. not cds filled with love song after love song.
i waited for you tonight. i stood on that court, shooting baskets and waited for you. you said you needed an escape from your roommate trying to get it on with her, but you wouldn’t leave. you dismissed me, just like that, like all of these months of talking and laughing and spending hours together meant nothing. nothing at all. that was not the final straw. the final straw is the fact that i’ve spent the last three months hearing about how no guy is good enough for me from you, while you’ve had her for all this time. maybe you should consider making a fucking move on her if it’s killing you to see them together. maybe, gee, i don’t know, YOU COULD HAVE SPENT THOSE MONTHS WITH HER AND NOT ME, MAKING ME BELIEVE I HAD SOMETHING GOOD FOR ONCE. I GUESS NOT. SO FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME CARE, FOR MAKING ME BELIEVE I DESERVED SOMETHING BETTER THAN MY USUAL, FOR MAKING ME HAPPY FOR ALL THESE MONTHS. FUCK YOU GENTLY WITH A FUCKING CHAINSAW.
this is an appreciation post about my room. also known as the red light district.
when i first moved into this room back in august, i was apprehensive about making it home. i knew it would only be temporary and i took my time making my room last year reflect my personality. i think it only took a couple of days before i had hung up the four posters i originally came here with, in addition to setting up my bulletin board and hanging pictures on my door. then i hung up my christmas lights.
i spent my freshman year in bunk beds, with the top bunk serving as my only storage space since my bitch roommate comandeered the rest of the room. i hated looking up at night and seeing the bottom of a mattress and pieces of metal, so around thanksgiving i took a strand of around 500 colored lights and strung them along the top bunk. it was like looking up at the stars at night, and my favorite time of day was when i could turn them on. bitch roommate hated them, so naturally i wanted to really do up the lights in my single. i hung my colored lights over the two nooks and two closets, my white lights on the wall by my bed and orange lights on the window. after about three weeks, i changed them to red lights since the orange burned out quickly. since about november, my room has been referred to as the red light district, not for the nonexistent level of sexual activity that’s been going on, but for the distinctive red lights that sets my room apart from the rest of the rooms in the hall.
in approximately one month, i will be leaving room 109, the red light district. my red lights will be packed away until august, when i either move to my real on-campus apartment after staying up here for the summer or when i leave home in new york to come back up here. i will be sharing a much smaller room with my best friend and an apartment with two other friends. we’ve already decided to have christmas lights all over the apartment, but it won’t be the same as now, with my personal red light district, my own space, my safe haven.
I have a paper due tomorrow, I’m 4 chapters behind in a book I have to read for my English class, and I just failed my first art assignment in the history of my life. I didn’t know it was physically…
i would have replied to this earlier but i was working on a group project…by myself… i’m still behind in almost all of my classes from my sundance trip. there’s exactly one month left in my semester…i have no idea how i’m gonna make this work out. just take a deep breath, write out what you need to get done and prioritize. last night i blogged my calendar for the next month. it looks scary, it is scary, but it really does help. as for the friends thing…i get like that. just remember that if they didn’t care about you, they wouldn’t come around or ask you to hang out. and also that you’re awesome and full of BAMFness.
i have thirteen alarms set for tomorrow morning. i’m going to bed now so i can get up with enough time to take a shower before class since i won’t have time after between reshoots and honors and editing. good night, tumblr.
i should also mention that my partner in my film class is dead weight and doesn’t do anything. i was editing for five hours last week and he literally stayed for two minutes, after the actual editing was done.
he just texted me saying he wanted to make sure i was alive since he only saw me for a little bit last night at a party while i was drunk. he’s coming over later. i tried to answer like i’ve done more with my life than go to kfc and walmart and watch forgetting sarah marshall all day.